A Transvestite Did My Makeup

 (I am away for my wedding and Honeymoon so I am re-posting some of my favorites)

So, C and I have this neighbor.  We were almost positive that he/she is a transvestite, but weren’t quite sure. Well, I’ve confirmed it. 

Last Friday night we were standing outside talking after coming back from a friend’s birthday party at a bar.  We had definitely had a few drinks so our judgment may have been slightly impaired. While we were out there our neighbor and a few of his/her friends were coming back from who knows where.  They were all done up in super high heels and tight dresses.

As they walked/stumbled by they invited us in for a drink.  For some unknown reason, we were like sure why not? First mistake. I thought it would be fun and adventurous, because I don’t usually do stuff like that. We went in and did a shot while chatting with her (I am just going to start calling this person a girl….that’s what she wants right?) and she mentioned she was afraid of me because I am so professional and she always hears my heels in the morning as I am leaving for work.  She’s intimidated by me?!?  The whole time she kept having nip slips. Her dress kept sliding down. You guys, it’s still awkward to see that from a woman that you know is actually a man.

So as we are standing around the kitchen she invites us out with her.  For some reason, we were like what the heck. Second mistake. All the sudden the house is in a tizzy and she shouts, “Ooo let me do your makeup!” You guys, I let her. I mean, how could I say no? This chick was bigger than me and quite scary. Third mistake.  She runs to the bathroom yelling “transvestite makeup party!” So yeah, that confirmed it for me.

She takes me into the bathroom, which is full of great makeup and makes me wash my face and sit down on the laundry basket. Then she proceeds to put my bangs up all weird and put a rhinestone headband on my head like a tiara. Then she shuts the door. Um?  Please don’t kill me.  She starts doing a full face of makeup.  She tells me that even though I had makeup on it wasn’t good enough and I’m not that pretty but she can make me pretty. Ouch.

She takes a break from doing my makeup to pee.  She sits down on the toilet while I am still there (and facing that side of the room).  Where the heck am I supposed to look?

By this time it’s probably about 1:15am and her friends are getting antsy and want to go out. She tells them to shut up.  Then she tells them to just go home if they aren’t happy.  She scares me. I keep trying to open the door to talk to C and she keeps shutting it.

She decides I will obviously need clothes, so she opens the door and tells C to go get me something to wear.  I’m silently praying the entire time he is gone.  When he comes back with an outfit she tells him it’s terrible and not good enough.  I felt so bad, because I thought he did a great job. It’s exactly something I would have picked and he knows it.  I just don’t have the kinds of clothes she was looking for.  So C sets down the heels he grabbed (fourth mistake) and goes back for a second try.  I try and direct him to something she might think is appropriate.

While he is gone, she asks if she can “wing me out” with the eyeliner.  I mean, I am not gonna say no to this chick.   Fifth mistake.  She started doing the eyeliner and I’m still silently praying. Why in the world did think it would be fun to let this slightly intoxicated man dressed as a woman near my eyeball with a pencil?!? I can feel her drawing the lines on my face and it feels pretty ridiculous.

Soon C comes back with a new dress, also not acceptable. She thinks she may have something for me to wear.  Now I have to go to the bathroom.  I try to get her to leave.  She won’t.  Um? I take off the headband, run out the door and grab the house keys from C and run to our house. C quickly follows.  He tells her it’s getting late and we will have to go out some other time.  The whole time she is screaming about how she wasted her makeup on me and who knows what else.

When C gets home I ask him where my heels were. Obviously, they were still on her bathroom floor where he left them.  So we have to sneak back into her house to try and get them.  Thankfully she was distracted and we were so quick that we got away easily.

I get home and finally take a look in the mirror.  She has completely destroyed my face. I wish I would have taken more pictures, but I wasn’t thinking at the time.  The wings of the eyeliner extended about a half inch on one side and a full inch on the other side!  My hair pretty much looked like a quail. Good stuff.

The only evidence....

I have to say, even though it was scary it was quite hilarious. We laugh for quite a while when we got home and I know we will laugh about this for years to come!

Also, I am deathly afraid to see her again. C and I were walking to our door the other day and saw her going the other way. We completely stopped in our tracks and shut our mouths hoping she wouldn’t see us.  Thankfully, we were successful.  I just know I am going to run into him/her again soon though, he/she’s our next door neighbor!