Trust.

I have major trust issues when it comes to relationships.  Like ridiculous.  It’s embarrassing. It hurts.

I have been burned several times in the past and now I am having a lot of trouble just letting everything go. I even told the last guy I dated (5 years ago...) I had a hard with trust.  He told me he understood and would be careful with my heart.  What he didn't tell me is that he was cheating on me from day one. 

I think I have been hurting C. Actually, I know I have.  I question everything in my mind. I make mountains out of molehills.  I imagine the worst case scenario and then focus on it.

I’ve got to stop this.

The fact that C basically lives in another state 6 months of the year doesn’t help.  My mind wonders what we are really doing together.  The fact that C is not a talker in any sense of the word doesn’t help.  He doesn’t share anything. Which leads me to assume for myself. Sometimes he thinks its better to just not tell me things (for fear that I might get upset) and then when I find out its that much worse.  Hiding things does not foster trust, it destroys it.

Last night I got down on my knees and told God I was surrendering this entire relationship to him. I am going to first and foremost trust God. Only then can I trust C.  I am trusting God that I am in this relationship for a reason.  I met C for a reason.  And whether that reason is a “season” for “forever” is up to God. Not me.

I am going to trust C 100%. I am committing to open up and be completely vulnerable to him.  I am going to give him every little tiny, shattered, jagged piece of my heart and pray that he is careful with it. I am going to quit questioning everything.

I am TERRIFIED of being hurt.  

God please give me strength and peace.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin

the happiness of your present.”

 ----------------------

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own

understanding – Proverbs 3:5