Trust.

I have major trust issues when it comes to relationships.  Like ridiculous.  It’s embarrassing. It hurts.

I have been burned several times in the past and now I am having a lot of trouble just letting everything go. I even told the last guy I dated (5 years ago...) I had a hard with trust.  He told me he understood and would be careful with my heart.  What he didn't tell me is that he was cheating on me from day one. 

I think I have been hurting C. Actually, I know I have.  I question everything in my mind. I make mountains out of molehills.  I imagine the worst case scenario and then focus on it.

I’ve got to stop this.

The fact that C basically lives in another state 6 months of the year doesn’t help.  My mind wonders what we are really doing together.  The fact that C is not a talker in any sense of the word doesn’t help.  He doesn’t share anything. Which leads me to assume for myself. Sometimes he thinks its better to just not tell me things (for fear that I might get upset) and then when I find out its that much worse.  Hiding things does not foster trust, it destroys it.

Last night I got down on my knees and told God I was surrendering this entire relationship to him. I am going to first and foremost trust God. Only then can I trust C.  I am trusting God that I am in this relationship for a reason.  I met C for a reason.  And whether that reason is a “season” for “forever” is up to God. Not me.

I am going to trust C 100%. I am committing to open up and be completely vulnerable to him.  I am going to give him every little tiny, shattered, jagged piece of my heart and pray that he is careful with it. I am going to quit questioning everything.

I am TERRIFIED of being hurt.  

God please give me strength and peace.

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“Never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin

the happiness of your present.”

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own

understanding – Proverbs 3:5

Eight Letters

So…..more news about my Florida trip….and it has to do with C.

To backtrack, I went to Vegas for 4 days. I came home and saw him for about an hour.  Then met up with him again for a few hours with my brother in tow that evening.  I flew to Florida early the next morning. I was gone for 4 more days.

While I was gone we text occasionally throughout the day and talked on the phone for about 30 minutes each evening (which is big for us, neither of us are real big chatters). He would send the sweetest texts about how he missed me.  I was mush.  In a good way J

On my third night in Florida I was sitting around doing a puzzle with my mom and I got a text from him.  I hadn’t talked to him in a few hours, so of course I smiled when I saw his name come up.  It said “Can I tell you something.” Instantly, my heart skipped a beat.  I just had a feeling.  I said “What babe?” His reply…..

“I think I am in love with u.”

Woah. 

I didn't even know what to do.  I was so happy. Shocked. Speechless.  My mom and brother immediately asked me what was wrong. I wordlessly showed them my phone and they both agreed with my woah.

I didn't know what to say back. I certainly felt it too.  I even kind of knew in the back of my head that it was coming.  For days I had been day dreaming about how he would tell me.  That or how I would accidently slip up and say it and cause a REALLY awkward moment.

I had two immediate thought:  1) Is he drunk? 2) Seriously? You told me this over a text?!?

I was a little worried that he may be drinking with friends and that’s why he “decided” to tell me.  Instead of telling him back, I asked him to tell me in person when I got home.  That way, if he meant it, he would tell me again. I really wanted to say it back…..but I wasn’t going to just in case.

As for my second thought, I was pretty bummed that he had told me over text (although obviously elated that he felt the same way I did). Here I was dreaming up grand, romantic ways he would tell me and all I get was a stinkin text? His next text made up for it though.  He told me he wanted to wait, but he couldn’t.  So cute.  At that point, I realized it didn’t matter.  He told me in the perfect way.  While I had been gone for days, he realized that he cared about me enough that he had to tell me right then.  I wouldn’t trade it for the world now.

(The text that started it all)

(The first time he said "I love you")

Still…..I wasn’t going to say it back. I wasn’t even sure if he would remember what he did.  A day went by and we called each other “love” over a few texts (we had already been doing this) but no mention of the three little words. I was a bit bummed.

On my last day in Florida on my way back from Disney World (it was about an hour and a half drive from Tampa) he sent me a text that said “I don’t know if I told you this or not, but I love you.”  I text back, “You really don’t know if you told me or not?”  He did….he was just making sure I knew.  That was his way of bringing the subject back up. This time I couldn’t help myself and told him that I loved him too.

I couldn’t wait to hear it in person.  I still love hearing it in person.  He loves me. I love him. How did I get so lucky?!?

Best Book Ever?

It's quite possible!

Fun In the Sun

Florida was awesome.  I was so happy to just be in the 80 degree weather with a slight breeze, the sunshine on my face and that ocean smell in the air.

My grandmother lives in a community for people over 50. 

It backs right up onto the Gulf of Mexico and there is even a canal right behind her place where you can see all sorts of creatures. Sting rays, sharks, manatees, and my personal favorite, dolphins. The first morning I was there I was sitting on the back porch reading (I did a whole lot of this....I finished two books) when I heard a dolphin.  I got up, grabbed my phone and snapped a few pics in the general direction of the sound hoping I would catch something.

I'm pretty sure I hit the jackpot!  I didn't even know there were two until I took the picture!  Pretty awesome huh?

The next day we hit the beach.  Walking where the water meets the sand is another one of my happy places.  My brother, mom and I walked for about 30 minutes, just enjoying the sun, sand and waves.  Then we layed out in our chairs for some more reading. It was nice to see everyone out on their wave runners and boats.  We even saw some people parasailing.  My mom told me she wasn't sure if that was on her bucket list or not.  It's definitely on mine!

After that we went over to this area call John's Pass.  It's a quaint little area with lots of shops and seafood restaurants.  We were walking along the pier and came upon a booth.....for parasailing. Guess what?  We did it!  It was exhilarating!

We hopped on this speed boat and headed out to open waters.  There was a guy on the boat who helped us into our harnesses and lifejackets. Let me tell you, not the easiest thing to do while speeding across choppy water!  He told me I looked like Mandy Moore and asked if anyone had ever told me that. Nope, never heard it before crazy dude.  He then proceeded to call me Mandy the rest of the time.  It was actually kind of funny.  After we all got our harnesses on the let the parachute out.  Woah.  It went flying off the back of the boat so fast I thought it would drag the whole boat with it!  We then walked over to a platform on the back of the boat and he hooked us all to a bar under the parachute.

Slowly we rose out over the water and up into the sky. 1200 feet in the sky to be exact.  It was magical!  I loved it.  So peaceful and quiet up there.  We even saw a huge sting ray floating in the water from way up there.  My mom was pretty much freaking out the whole time.  She even made me nervous!  I started thinking about the water drop and all the sudden thought that they were just going to let us free fall into the water.  Um, not a good thought from 1200 feet up.  I held on a lot tighter at that point….I don’t like free falls!  Thankfully, after about 15 minutes I could feel us slowly getting closer to the water and to the boat.  It wasn’t a free fall after all, just a nice little butt dip into the water. Getting back to the boat and out of the harnesses was a bit difficult due to the wind (actually our guide got a pretty nice sized gash in his abdomen trying to make sure we were safe) but it was totally worth it.  I will be doing it again someday!  I even asked the guide the weight/size limit to do it.  C will be just fine (he’s 6’4 280lbs).  Hope he’s not afraid of heights! After making it safely back on land we went inside for a cocktail….inside of a coconut monkey of course!

The next day was the best day of the trip…..Disney World!  There’s not much I need to say about this except for I had a blast.  And that my ankle still hurts, 3 weeks later (so, yeah, I’m a little behind) from all of the walking we did. We arrived at the park around noon and didn’t leave until after the fireworks at 11pm.  We hit all four parks in one day.  Needless to say….my brother and I were exhausted!  

  (Note: I very much dislike hotdogs.  We were so hungry when we got to the park that we went to the first booth we saw.  An out of the box HOTDOG only stand.  So yeah, thats my "taco" hotdog.)

The next day we flew home.  C picked me.....and my mom up from the airport. Yep, he has now met one part of the parental unit. It was all his idea too. I didn't even ask J

Vegas 2.0

I had a blast in Vegas with my brother and his friend.  Here are a bunch of pictures from our trip!

We stayed at the Treasure Island Hotel. It was actually a very nice hotel, especially for the price! Its  near the center of the strip, next to Ceasars Palace and the Mirage so its also a great location.

On our first night there we got the big drinks.  This one was shaped like the Eifle Tower and boy was it heavy!  I'm actually holding my brothers drink in the picture.  I didn't get one because I knew I wouldn't be able to finish it and I wasn't about to pay $23 for that.  I'm glad I didn't....neither of the boys finished theirs. And that was with my help!

We spent the second day walking around, gambling, hanging out at the pool and eating. That evening we went and saw the Cirque Du Soleil show Mystere, which was playing at our hotel.  We got buy one, get one free tickets with our hotel package and boy was that a deal! Still at $75 a pop the show was awesome!  I would definitely recommend it!

The third day we hit up my first ever buffet (well I mean, besides Sizzlers, which should NOT count). It was soooooo good!  I will definitely be doing that again.  I think we hit it at the perfect time.  We went during what was considered brunch.  That means the price was still cheaper but we got to choose from both breakfast and lunch foods.  Oh and we got a yummy mimosa!

After the buffet we attempted to walk off our food but ending up at some penny machines safe in a comfy chair.  Oh man was I full.  It was definitely one of those "unbutton you jeans to feel better" moments. Thankfully I was smart and wore stretch leggings! I made the boys go to the Bellagio hotel with me to see a few shows.  This is seriously one of my happy places.  I love watching the water dance and sway to the music. It just puts me in such a great mood. I can't help but have a big smile on my face during every show I watch!

Since it was our last night in Vegas we decided to go all out.  The boys "suited up" and I put on a fancy dress and curled my hair. We ate dinner at Grand Luxe Cafe in the Palazzo hotel and spent the evening gambling.

They are pretending to look way too "cozy" with their martinis.  Not cool boys.

My brother and I....he looks a little....drunk

He's so classy when he gambles.....

So, thats my trip in pictures!  We drove home the next afternoon and I got to see C.  He also met my brother which was awesome. I picked him up and we went to Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill.  Which I really....love.  They alway's have live country music (which C really enjoys) and you get to drink beer out of mason jars.  C even asked me to two step with him (can you say adorable?), although it didn't last long because of his leg injury. The boys got to chat and I was content just sitting there watching my two favorite people get to know each other.  Sadly, the night didn't last too long because we had to be at the airport by 7am the next morning. 

Next stop.....Tampa, Florida!