Aisles

Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you're most afraid of

Ok, let’s get real for a second.  My father has cancer. Actually, he has two different kinds of cancer.  He has skin cancer (but not the bad kind, phew) and prostate cancer.  In the past year and a half he has been through a lot, including 9 weeks of radiation while still working a full time job. It seems as if radiation has done its job, but it’s a long process to make sure. You have to wait months and months after the actual treatment to be sure. That’s where we are….just waiting.

When I first found out, besides being worried about the obvious, I thought about how much it meant to me that my father be able to walk me down the aisle when I got married someday.  One of my biggest fears is that he won’t be around to walk me down the aisle.

We found out about his cancer sometime in 2011, so my fears have subsided a bit.  He is doing great after treatment and walking down the aisle is something that I actually see in my near future now that I have C in my life. I am praying that he continues to stay healthy and that soon this won’t be a worry in my life at all, because he will be healed!

Guns Blazin'

Have you ever been driving and another car drives up directly next to you (going at the same speed) so you can see the other driver across your windows?  Does this freak anybody else out?

Confession:  I have a completely irrational fear that anytime somebody drives up next to me like that they are going to……pull out a gun and shoot me. Most likely in the head.

What?!?!?

I have absolutely no clue why I am afraid this will happen.  I don’t live in a city of crime.  I think I’ve seen a gun out in public maybe three times in my life.  I’ve never even heard of this happening in real life!

But yet, every time a car drives up next to me going the same speed, I flinch.

Does anyone else have any crazy irrational fears like that??

Pressure

C has been telling people that he will propose once I meet his son. 

We just booked our trip to Michigan in August to see him for his birthday.

Eeek. No pressure there.

I am a little scared.  I mean, I love children and I know we will get along, but just knowing that the rest of my life hinges on that moment is enough to stress me out.

What do I say?

What do I do?

Should I get him a birthday gift?

What do 8 year olds like?

What about his mother?  (As in C’s ex)

Thankfully she is happily married with other children, so I am not threatened by her in any way.  No matter what, it is still really intimidating to me. 

What will she be like?

Will she like me?

What if she doesn’t?

I am trying to focus on the good things about my trip.  This will be the first time I’ve ever flown on a vacation with a significant other.  I am excited to get on a plane and travel with him because I know that we will be doing a lot of that in our future. I am excited to see the town he went to college in and meet some of his friends. I’ve heard so many stories.  I am definitely excited to go to my first Michigan State game! C has been grooming me….Go State!

I just have to keep praying for peace and wisdom about the situation.  Oh and maybe find some anxiety pills to bring along!

Trust.

I have major trust issues when it comes to relationships.  Like ridiculous.  It’s embarrassing. It hurts.

I have been burned several times in the past and now I am having a lot of trouble just letting everything go. I even told the last guy I dated (5 years ago...) I had a hard with trust.  He told me he understood and would be careful with my heart.  What he didn't tell me is that he was cheating on me from day one. 

I think I have been hurting C. Actually, I know I have.  I question everything in my mind. I make mountains out of molehills.  I imagine the worst case scenario and then focus on it.

I’ve got to stop this.

The fact that C basically lives in another state 6 months of the year doesn’t help.  My mind wonders what we are really doing together.  The fact that C is not a talker in any sense of the word doesn’t help.  He doesn’t share anything. Which leads me to assume for myself. Sometimes he thinks its better to just not tell me things (for fear that I might get upset) and then when I find out its that much worse.  Hiding things does not foster trust, it destroys it.

Last night I got down on my knees and told God I was surrendering this entire relationship to him. I am going to first and foremost trust God. Only then can I trust C.  I am trusting God that I am in this relationship for a reason.  I met C for a reason.  And whether that reason is a “season” for “forever” is up to God. Not me.

I am going to trust C 100%. I am committing to open up and be completely vulnerable to him.  I am going to give him every little tiny, shattered, jagged piece of my heart and pray that he is careful with it. I am going to quit questioning everything.

I am TERRIFIED of being hurt.  

God please give me strength and peace.

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“Never let the sadness of your past and the fear of your future ruin

the happiness of your present.”

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own

understanding – Proverbs 3:5